RHOP Ep 1: New Money, Old Kitchens

RHOPotomac

So, over the last week I’ve been super excited for the premiere of the Real Housewives of Potomac. Previews were released and I knew then it’d be less Atlanta, and maybe more Beverly Hills. What’d we get? A bunch of women out of touch with society and make the RHONJ look like sophisticated ladies. Am I bitter because I have $48 in my bank account and $3 in my savings? Yes. Do I love to see African Americans who have worked (in various ways) to become role models and inspirational figures to the community? Yes. Would I rather watch this group of heifers cut each other to the white meat in a pissing contest of non-existent etiquette in a suburb where etiquette is everything? YYEESS… YEEEESSSS (in the words of my homegirl, Lexis).

Anyway, lets get on to the girls who I will now affectionately refer to as the “Aunties”. Why auntie? Because everyone has aunts like these. Late to the family functions, can’t stay long, better than everyone else, but still eat all your food and manage to take a to-go plate back to her fabulous mansion with the outdated kitchen. HEEEEYYY AUNTIE!


RHOP
AUNTIE GIZELLE:
The “Keeping it real, auntie”. She’s funny, she has one liners, and she’s preeetttyyy (but not in that Kristen Taekman way). She’s the auntie that y0u probably would want as your mother, because you know she loves to have fun, but she doesn’t play games!

AUNTIE KATIE:
“The jet-set, auntie” may or may not have slept her way to the top. Always at a “ball” or “gala”. You know for sure she’s not an IG model, but you also know for sure you ain’t never seen her in Vogue or Elle. #Catchthatdirt

AUNTIE ROBYN:
“The coolest auntie”. She’s the one you told you were gay to first, and protected you from all the homophobia the family had. She’s smart, has a lot going for herself, always at Auntie Gizelle’s functions with a beer in her red solo cup ready to let her bob down and get into some action! I see you, auntie!

AUNTIE KAREN:
The “hot mess, auntie”. Thinks she’s better than everyone, however you hang around her because you always know that you’ll never know what’s going to come out of her mouth next. She’s an overbearing diva that you can’t help but love her because her condescending tone comes with a layer of shade that you can’t tell whether you should slap your knee or slap her face.

AUNTIE CHARISSE:
The “girl bye, auntie”! One generation out the projects her damn self and has the NERVE to act like she is above those who are not blessed to be in her financial situation. I hope she reviews these episodes and drops the charade. It’s not cool, it’s not nice, and it’s not an example of what a TRUE lady in a favorable position should be.

KAREN’S BIRTHDAY:
OK. So, where do we start. The hostess should always be on time Girl Bye, Auntie (Ch). That way you could have told Keeping It Real, Auntie (Gizelle) not to sit in Hot Mess, Auntie’s seat (Karen)! I do think the ladies take themselves too seriously, however, Gizelle could have moved over and let it be about Karen. So, as much as it pains me to say, Gizelle, honey, you know you were DEAD ASS WRONG for that!

CHARISSE’S CRAB BOIL:
Honey!!!! Everybody knows I lovvvvvvvves a crab boil. However, you would think that if Girl Bye, Auntie (Charisse) was so damn fabulous the least the bitch could have done is catered the affair instead of leaving Gizelle and her gay downstairs to rummage through those junkie drawers. How can you get mad when you didn’t properly set up the kitchen so that no one had to go looking for anything while you went and got that season one weave pressed. I call bad hair season one weaves, because if this show gets a season two I assure you those 90’s kitchens will be renovated and that hair will be the best virgin hair $500 a bundle can buy. Hell, get in touch with Porsha’s hair company child. If Kenya can buy her hair from $3bundlehair.com (and rock with that alibaba dress), then surely the wealthy socialites such as Girl Bye, Auntie can afford to do so as well. I’m gay, and I don’t like to be relegated to frivolous stereotypes such as hair, makeup, and wardrobe, but this lady needs a gay in her life child!

I digress. Child, Gizelle came to help, and you treated her as such Ms. Hilly! We go from one asshole to another as Hot Mess, Auntie (Karen) comes in and immediately goes to war with Gizelle over seating charts and proper etiquette. I hate to say it but I do agree with Karen on this one. The night was not about you, and it was a low move to sit in the seat of the birthday girl! If this were Atlanta there would have been some fingers waved and some weaves pulled, child. However, this is Potomac, and baby, what a slap won’t do, a page out of Emily Post’s etiquette book will! Now that was the TRUUEE gag!

All-in-all it was a pretty strong debut however if this show is going to manage to keep a fraction of RHOA’s audience, they’re going to have to get those sticks out of their asses because audience who watches Housewives on Sunday’s are more concerned with Instagram filters than etiquette. I was excited, and I’m still excited to see where these girls take us going forward.

Honorable Mention: Brynee. Honey, I’ve read the teas on Brynee and she’s a hot ass mess as well! We need a messy FOH to get the teas cooked and she should definitely be it.

4 thoughts on “RHOP Ep 1: New Money, Old Kitchens

  1. This is a hilarious post analysis! So on point and literally at my desk CRACKING UP! LOLOLOL…I mean you pegged them down to a science – of course based on what we saw in ep. 1. I was WEAAAAAAAAAAAAAK with those kitchens! Also “Season 1 Weaves” LOLOL…cracking up!!!! YES…IF they get renewed for a second season or 2 or 3 or 4…WATCH the evolution of hair and make-up as the budget GROWS! Let’s not take it back to NeNe and Kim’s weave back in Season 1 of RHOA…that was SO embarrassing!!! LOLOL…THANK YOU FOR THIS – I will SO check back in next week!

    Like

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